Happy birthday America! It's an extremely H-O-T day in Socal. I am at home, sweating out of my mind. I have vowed solemnly to work out and clean my room, and so far, neither is done. I mean, who can go running in this mad weather? My birthday is coming up in less than a month! At this point in my life, I can't help but to feel extreme sadness. Not exactly a depression, but well. I don't know how to explain it. But getting older and older at a rate faster than I can keep up with... it's causing much remorse. I will be 23... yes! A majoritiy of people will scream at me that 23 is such a YOUNG tender age, but you all know. You all know when you were iin your teens, the age of 30 was just SOOOOO antediluvian. When you turn 30, you might as well die, cuz you're just so old. Nothing's fun when you're 30. Yeah, I still haven't exactly out-grown that way of thinking, although the age has moved up a bit to 35. It's more traumatizing to women, because of the biological clock thing, I guess. I mean, I have some friends (who are older than me) who married at my age. Back in the mother country, Korea, I am 24. They count the time you're in your mother's womb, so you're approx. 1 year old when you're born. And everyone age at the same time, at Chinese New Year, in late Jan/early Feb. So I'm 24 there, when I'm still 22 here. Thank goodness I'm here and not there. But still. Back in the old country, girls marry at about 25-26 (Korean age), which is after 2 years or so after college. Technically, you're supposed to either have found a man in college, save some money for the wedding, and get married after a year or so, OR, find a man after college, date a year or so, and marry. I know, I'm not too into that ideal, but I can't help feeling that by the time I'm ready for marriage (read: settled in a desirable career, financially stable, and emotionally and mentally mature) I will be quite old. My children will all have Down syndrome, Turner's disease, and Parkinsons, because they will be born when I'm in my mid-30's. They will have genetic defects. Or worse, even if they turn out healthy, I will go to PTA meetings, and the teachers will smile at me and say that they're so glad a grandmom can join. I'll be, like, close to 70 when I get grandchildren. I'll be dead before they enter grade school, and they will have no memory of me. I know. It's an overwhelming idea, but quite true. My bestfriend estimates that she will probably marry within the next 4-5 years. I'm glad she can even estimate that... I used to want to be a bride at a young age... you know, start my happily ever after as soon as possible. At this point, I have grown exceedingly cynical. I'll probably get a divorce within 5 years of the wedding. By that time I will be such an old hag that no one will possibly want me. I'll die an old lonely woman, and yes! I'll be found dead, half-decayed, months after my death. Probably the landlady or man or whatevers will come by to collect the rent and find me dead for god knows how long. Oh, my life is so sad... so sad that it's not even worth to be a tragedy.

Anyways. Back to reality. Gotta clean my room and do some yoga or something.