Sometimes I wonder how I would have lived my life had I known that it would turn out the way it did. I lived by a schedule; I would go to Berkeley by 18, graduate by 22 as a journalism/communications major. I would work on the newspaper or magazines at the university, and possibly do a double major in the sciences. I was to go onto med school -- not some shabby med school in some carribean island, but a well-established one -- perhaps Harvard. But the main point was that I go to UC Berkeley, live in a dorm, meet great people, learn a lot and enjoy a lot -- the rest I would plan, once I actually get there. I busted my ass in high school. I screamed bloody murder everytime I got a B; anything lower than an A was just not acceptable. Being a minority had its disadvantages; my SAT scores never improved much, and were below my expectations. To compensate, I did extra curriculars. I volunteered at hospitals, joined clubs on campus, played the violin in the orchestra, became yearbook editor-in-chief, and more. I spent hours and hours studying for exams, doing homework, because my only option was to go to Berkeley, and Berkeley doesn't accept slackers. Perhaps if I gave myself more options, I would have settled for a second or third choice, and still manage to be happy. I didn't bother applying to UCSD or UCI. They were not where I wanted to be. If I wasn't going to Berkeley, at worst I'd go to UCLA. If both options failed, I chose to go to CSUN. From that experience, I have learned. You need to make as much options as you can make. You may not hit a homerun, but at least you can tip the ball and make it to first base. Why was I so foolish and irrational? Perhaps I was naive.

So what can I do about this today? I can linger on this tragic memory and sulk, or learn something from it and move on. So far, I have sulked for five years. I kept on wishing for the life that never happened; it is a life I cannot return to. I try to get over it. If you fall off the first couple of steps on a ladder, it is easy to get up and go at it again. If you fall off from the top rung, it takes a while before you heal and start climbing again. I think I am about done healing. The shock I received from having my life turn a full 180 degrees is now just a numb pain that I feel once in a while when I reminisce. I'd like to say that the last 5 years were time well-spent. However, I really do know that I could have done what I did in 3 years. I dragged it on and on by making excuses, that I worked too much to get good grades, or I got into a car accident.

So in stead of blogging, I should be studying. So I will. Right now. As soon as I press the "post & publish" button. Yup. Just like that.