Ominous Sunday

Ugh. It is not a good Sunday. I felt it when I woke up. I've been procrastinating, but because I am tired. I just realized a couple of days ago that there is only a month of school left! When did the time go?

I have a Statistics project and homework (from last week!) and a philosophy midterm, and I have an English research paper, and a political science exam. I'm really behind and worse yet, I am starting to panic. I am not as doing as well as last semester when I was truly on top of my game. This semester I am struggling, and most of it is because I am just so tired. Stressed. Worn out. Somebody should've warned me when I popped out of my mother's womb that this life thing ain't gonna be easy! Somehow, I feel a bit deceived by the way life has turned out.

Just to explain what is going on -- I've gotten some bad news that will affect me immensely. I really don't care to share that with the world on my blog of all places, so that shall remain unknown. And I don't like the fact that I would be admitting its happening in writing. As far as I know, it did not happen and will never happen and I'm going to live in denial. It would just be one more thing for me to endure during this mess called "life" and I can't carry more on my shoulders as it is. Have I mentioned that I feel like the Greek mythological character, Atlas? You might have seen him -- muscular guy, holding up the Earth on his shoulders? Well, that's me. Only I wouldn't be holding up a globe naked. Some may call it nude, but I say "NEKKED!"

Anyways. I've only lived 24 and half years. It's not much to look back on, but somehow, it's not the straight and narrow path I've always thought it would be. It's gnarly and full of thorns. It's a rough course. And I think back and ask myself if I could have done anything in my power to change the course of my life. And the answer is, yes. It's my fault. But I did what I did and I just have to suck it up and accept it, right? Well, moving on.

You know, you're not supposed to fear anything but fear itself, but I always have this fear. And it's pretty big. It's the fear that one day down the road, I'll wake up and see myself so off course from where I've wanted to be, and I'll be just so totally lost. That's my fear. My 100 Things #22 explains that! I mean, it's an example. But I really do fear that one day I'll wake up and realize that I am not living the fabulous life I should be living! I mean, it won't happen, say tomorrow, although I do feel it to some extent, because I consider this part of my life as some sort of a training period -- I am preparing to live a grand life. Perhaps when I'm 35 or 45 years of age, and I'm still doing some 9-to-5 I hate, married with a bunch of children of hell, just barely trying to make ends meet -- I'll scream.

Have you seen that movie, Family Man starring Nicholas Cage? He wakes up one day (it's kind of like a dream) to find himself living a totally different life -- in reality, he's single, and he's successful in his job, and in the dream, he finds what he missed out on, which is a lovely wife and kids and loving family and home (although he works in some sort of tire selling business?). Well, in his case, he found what he was missing in his life, and he was given a chance to make it right. Well, that doesn't happen too often in reality, does it?

It's like spilling milk. Sure you can try your best to scoop it back up into the cup, but not much of it will be saved. And furthermore, not much of that will be drinkable. Life goes by like that too. One month of bad choices will take eons to reverse, if it can be reversed at all. For example, if I decided to get married tomorrow to a man who could barely support me and himself, and decide to pop out some kids, what would happen to my life? Would I still get a shot at the life I envisioned for myself? I'd have to be the soccer mom who clips coupons AND shops at Walmart. Can I go to Africa and save continent from the AIDS epidemic? Can I devote my life to teaching and learning? If I'm struggling to pay the electricity bills and phone bills and griping about my-manager-who's-younger-than-me-but-has-a-higher-degree-and-has-a-bitchy-attitude, can I be all that I can be?

I'm an optimistic person, and I would like to believe that anything's possible. But I also believe in repercussions. Sure you can have your cake and eat it too! Sure you can. But you'll gain another ass cheek and become overweight and your cholesterol will be higher and increase your chances of heart disease and diabetes (extreme, but intended for impact). I can balance myself between work and the bills and the two obnoxious kids and the beer-guzzling husband, so that I can go to school and get higher education and have my mom watch the kids while I go to another continent and save the world or march to Washington, DC and demand for a woman president (or whatever) and do the great things I should be, but I'll have to pay the price for that. My husband will hate me because he's a beer-guzzling alcoholic misogynist, and my children will need therapy because their mother is busy trying to save the world while leaving them alone and vulnerable and motherless, and my mom will hate my for making her watch my children from hell, and my dog will die from starvation because no one will feed him and it'll be all over town that my husband is seeing another hussy on the side!

Of course, then again, I can always marry a rich handsome prince who loves me for me and encourages me to pursue my dreams and my children will be so supportive of who I am and what I want to do and they'll be such darling angels and my dog will learn to survive on bugs and grass in the yard and the aforementioned hussy will revere me and become my new and fab assistant. But knowing my life, that cannot be counted on to happen. In accordance with the other happenings of my life, my husband should be abusive, and he'll beat me and the kids and they'll be taken into foster care where they'll be abused even more and they'll grow up hating me and I'll hate myself for living the life I hate and my mom will wonder what went wrong in my rearing and my dog will choke on poison ivy and die. Yep. That sounds like my life.

So that's what I worry about most. I'll just sit and say, "hey, I can get by without doing that stat homework" or "I can spend another year working at the cell phone store" and I'll just keep compromising with life and end up shooting down the slippery slope. I can hear the hellish kids screaming and the dog barking and that hussy with caked powder and tasteless red lipstick laughing at me with my ugly, fat, good-for-nothing husband. And that frightens me half to death.

Don't tell me you didn't know that I was neurotic!