Have you ever been in a situation, where there was a fine line between left and right, and yet the outcomes would give the most completely disastrically different results? For example, let's say that you have studied for a class. It was a difficult class, but you are a great student. You are currently receiving a scholarship based on your GPA, which is the your sole method of paying for tuition. Say that times have been a bit hard, and you are on a borderline. To get an A in this course would allow your situation to remain intact, while if you get a B, your GPA would go down 0.02, causing you to be ineligible for that scholarship. If you lose this scholarship, you will most likely have to postpone school for at least a year, and even then it will be extremely hard to make ends meet and come up with a plan to pay tuition. Your requests for loans have been denied, and there is no way out other than to get an A in this course.

There is such a fine line between an A and a B, especially when you're doing the tight-rope-walking on the borderline. It could mean one missed assignment, or perhaps one missed question on an exam. Virtually all errors, however minute, are fatal. Am I just writing nonsense? For some reason, I have had this scenario, and similar situations, multiple times. More than multiple -- numerous to say the least.

The reason why I bring this up today is because of one thing. It is life-altering, indeed. It feels like I am bleeding to death on an ambulance ride, and 3 minutes too late to the hospital would mean death, while 3 minutes early would be life. And the worst part is, it's not up to me how fast I can get to the hospital. I mean, sure, I could yell at the driver, but that probably won't help much.

My request to change my non-immigrant status was denied a while back. I was changing my status to an international student. The department handling immigration makes me feel futile in the most ridiculous way. It's not like a cell phone company, or the credit card company. I can't just call them up and ask questions about the miscellaneous charge on my bill, or refute it. I can't call the INS and ask for a supervisor -- they can't put a trouble ticket on my paperwork to expedite it. It is the slowest moving organization in the world, possibly. When the INS rejects you, they don't send you a letter detailing why they rejected you. It's quite similar to a college rejection letter, really. "Dear so-and-so, we have looked over your application and decided to deny your request. Don't take it personally. If you think you received this letter in error, please return the attached form within 30 days of the date on this letter. I am stamping the letter as we speak, but I will mail it out two weeks from today, so that you won't have adequate time to respond. So don't bother. Sincerely, the INS, which is not even called the INS anymore."

Fortunately for me, there are lawyers. Lawyers who have acquaintances, whose expertise is solely in this area. I got myself a lawyer. He is in the process of talking to the consul (council? consult? I don't know what this word is, but my lawyer pronounces it "consul") in Mexico, across the border. I don't know exactly how this works, but apparently you have to stand in line for a hellava long time at the consulate building, if they approve your petition, they stamp a piece of paper with the date, and you can cross the border. I've done this process when I was in the 9th grade I believe, but I was much too young to understand the delicate systeming of the INS. The laywer is speaking to the consul guy man person, to see if my case would be OK'ed. If that person gives a thumbs up, I will head down to Mexico for a very very expensive trip (paying not only for myself, but for the lawyer's trip, as well as his time).

But there is always the possibility that I will be denied, in which case, I may be stranded in Mexico for good. I guess I could run across the border and risk getting shot/dying from thirst in the Arizona deserts, but that would require me to work out and beef up my body beforehand, which isn't an option. I am hoping that the consul person gives me the thumbs up to go down there, because that increases my chances of getting an approval, exponentially. And I need that. I need to stay here. This is my home. I can't say this enough!

So I will know in a matter of days, if and when I will go, and what the expected outcomes are, and if there is a plan B. Staying in the U.S. means the world to me. I'm sure I could thrive anywhere else, but being forced off the land I've called home for more than two-thirds of my life isn't something I want. Because this trip takes place in Mexico, across the border, there is a small chance that I may not be allowed to return. I mean, I will be leaving the country. So if this is to take place, there is a good chance that I may not be returning to my blog... for a while.

I brought up the scenario earlier, because whenever I am in such a predicament, I always try to imagine myself in both situations. When I applied to colleges, I always saw myself at UC Berkeley, and in a less likely situation, at UCLA. I just could not imagine my life as someone who did not get accepted to college -- I could not see myself at a community college. I figured, if it is that hard to see myself in that situation, there is a good chance that it may not happen. But guess what? It did. At this point, I cannot imagine myself leaving the U.S. I cannot see myself ousted from my home, living somewhere -- elsewhere -- not here. I try hard to see myself living elsewhere, but I can't. I'm pretty sure that had I tried hard enough, I would have seen myself at a community college. By no means is this a way of predicting things or controlling events. But it is just something I do. Maybe it is a defense mechanism; I can't see myself in that predicament, so it won't happen.

This is just too overwhelming for me. At any rate, I would most likely be out 5 grand (as in $5,000) or so. It is the price to pay for me to ensure that my home remains where it is. I'm sure not many of you would have to pay so much homage to your home. I don't regret it or find it repulsive. It is important to celebrate your home and respect it. If you haven't -- do it for me. Home is sacred-- it deserves respect. It is often taken for granted -- but believe you me, when your home is threatened, nothing else remains the same. That's one thing I'm sure of. Home is not just a shelter or a place to hang out and sleep. It's a security, a vital necessity. It is one of the most basic and yet important needs, as outlined in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Without it, we just cannot be whole. It is your foundation. It supports you in all your ventures and comforts you in your failures; it embraces you in celebration, and it welcomes your tired body at the end of the day. If you have ever been burglarized in your home -- you know the value of home. If your house was threatened by a landslide or fire, you know this. My home has been under constant threat for years -- I hope all this suffering comes to an end -- a good end. Ah... I hope life only gives me an amount of toil that I can carry.