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Fear

I am blogging from my e-mail. Apparently, now I can e-mail my posts to blogger, and it will appear on my blog. Maaaaaarvelous, don't you think?

Well, I've been thinking. You know, when I graduated from HS, I thought the years of uncertainty had passed. Because most people deem the adolescent years as the time when people do most/all of the soul searching and wandering, I never assumed that this kind of uncertainty would find its way into my life again, at least not before I'd face my midlife crisis. Well, I was wrong.

I think I did most of my soul searching in my early twenties, and I think I'm still in that process. My adolescent years are marked by a fierce decidedness. There was no vagueness about losing innocences and growing up, or rite of passage, that sort of thing. I knew, with an immense absolution, where I'd be going, how, when, why, and everything else. I had my life mapped out, and there would be no plan B, because my plan was just perfect and set in stone. Turns out I'm wrong a lot of times.

These days, there are a lot of uncertain things in my life. For example, will I be living in the US next year? Will I still be a college student? Will I get into the nursing program? Will I ever? Would graduate school be totally out of the question? Will I be happy? Will I live with my family? If I were to leave, will my cat be cared for?

A lot of questions without answers loom in my mind constantly. Thankfully, it's not an endless ordeal. There is a some-what deadline for most of these questions to be resolved. That deadline, is this summer. The summer of 2004 will clear doubts and set things straight, whether for better or worse. Knowing isn't the hardest part; Waiting is. I can cope with negative turn-outs of events. It's harder when you don't know the outcome.

The summer of 2004 will tell a lot of things. It will tell me if this immigration problem will be settled, at least temporarily. It will tell me if I can finally, after years of waiting, start this nursing program. It will tell me if I will quit my job and yet have enough funds for schooling myself. That's just some of the major stuff that will be resolved. Not necessarily because I worked on these things, but because that's just when their vagueness expire. They expire this summer.

When I was little, every time we'd go to the mall, I'd always walk into the toy store and grab hold of the giant 8-ball. The one you shake while asking a question and turn it over for an answer; the one that later inspired me to make a concept for the yearbook design when I was in HS. Even at that age, not knowing must have frightened me for me to have consulted a black ball with water in it. Not even crystal, for heaven's sake!

I'm a control freak. I know I will never become a drug addict, because you have to relinquish so much control to do drugs. I've done my share of bad things, but being blurry eyed and dizzy as hell and driving through the streets of Hollywood (which isn't pleasant, by the way, as most out-of-staters think) wasn't my moment of glory.

I can't handle situations where I don't have complete control. It isn't to say that I'm a power-obsessed freak who must control what everyone does. I just like to know that I can go to my "safe place" whenever I need to. That's why I always drive myself when I go out. It is why even when I didn't need to, I worked, because having a few greenbacks in your hands give you a bit more power and ability.

Right now, all the things that I'm worried about, are things that are completely out of my control. I am dependent on other forces and subject to their decisions be it fate or BCIS. Have you ever relinquished all control? Some say that to have an orgasm, you have to. Some say marriage is like that in a way, because you are leaving a part of your self to join another half. I don't think I've ever lost the reigns I have on "control" since I've gotten hold of it.

This is why, after all this time being angry, frustrated, retaliating for justice, and ranting on my blog, I realized that all that was caused by fear. It was my own fear of losing it. Not just going mad, I assure you, but fear of not knowing what the future holds for me. Not having tomorrow be tangible in the palm of my hands. I'm a lone ant, walking around, not knowing what I'll eat tomorrow, where I'll sleep tomorrow, or if I'll be crushed by giant stillettos.

I need to learn how to take this all in. There will be more times down my life's path when I won't have control over situations. I don't want to freak out like I am now. I need to relax and relinquish control and be "okay" with it. Fear is my only obstacle...