Geez, Gimme a Break!

Just when I wanted to do a quicky blog post to vent, Blogger changed its interface on me. It just took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to sign in and create a new post. Dammit!

Have you ever felt like you just had too much on your plate? Well, that's usually the case with me. But have you ever felt like you were just pushed beyond your threshold? That just happened to me. I won't get into details, but my uncle dropped by suddenly, and spoke with me (lectured me, more like) for a good two hours, about things. Normally he talks about economical stuff, and interesting stuff he's read, but today, most of it was concentrated on my weight.

Now, this man, has been the closest thing to a father that I've had in years. I have great respect for him, for coming to the US and becoming a self-made man, a man who had practically nothing, and while he isn't the richest man I know, he certainly has a lot, including my respect. But he is a person, whom I refer to as being from the "old" country. There are qualities of human character that are more acceptable in other cultures than in the US, and he has a few of those characteristics. Some are good, and some, not so great.

In the US, we are trained to overlook physical short-comings. That's just so superficial, right? In other countries, Korea, that I know of, physical attributions are of great importance. It can make or break you. Just until few years ago, Korean airlines would have strict guidelines for hiring stewardesses, which included a minimum height and maximum weight, among other things. Now that's all null and void, but not for a good reason -- most people would resort to plastic surgeries and other enhancements anyways.

My uncle's decided that it was about time that he told me that I was too fat. Despite the mysterious 6-7 lbs (I have lost another pound since) I lost, I am too fat. And according to Korean standards, that's true. Although the average Korean woman's waist size is 27 and weight is slightly above the so-called "standard" Koreans are quick to judge; a woman who is my size would be deemed a "curse from god" because I am just immense. I'm huge. I'm fat.

I have very good self esteem, but I do recognize that I am on the verge of losing a lot of health benefits because I am approaching the over-weight limit line. I also realize that my weight has gained steadily over the last 6 years, and that must stop, and be reversed for a while, at least until I can safely get into a good weight. A good weight, for me, one that is approved by me and at least two good physicians! Not by the superficial Korean critics! There is no way for me to weigh less than 115 lbs... Goodness! I'm 5'6"! If I became 115, I should just go bullimic and be a model (sorry for the stereotype model-people...).

But you know, right now, I not only have too much on my plate. I am on a threshold. I'm tip-toeing on the edge of a cliff. You just can't come in, disrupt the delicate balance on my life that I've barely managed, and expect good to come out of it.

I've been eating healthier. Healthy to me doesn't mean "no carb's a good carb" or "south beach over atkins" or any of that crap. It just means, go back to the basics. You know, your major food groups, and getting a good serving of each. Some fruits, and rather than juices, actual fruits, and vegetables, a little bit of meat (yes, red meat! Do you know that most young women in the US are anemic... often because they lack iron in the blood? Best source of iron is in red meat!), and other things. Reducing intakes of soda and high in fat foods, you know, that sort of things. But I'm not on a major diet.

That's about the best I can do now, plus the occasional workouts, consisting of mostly cardio. I go about twice a week, which isn't as much as I'd like, but like I said, I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. Trying to fit in a 30 minute jog into my schedule is not really a priority. I have major things to worry and think about -- I know I always whine about this, but this is the cross I bear: immigration status (I-20 is expiring in June with no solution in sight still) and 15 units of school, and nearly full time of work.

I'm under so much stress, I just want to break down and cry for no reason! I'm a hard worker, and I work under heavy pressure without complaints, but this is too much. I try to believe that human abilities span over an infinite amount of capability, but I often wonder that if I had more stress-producing loads coming my way, would I go crazy? I think I would go berserk. Jump off my second story bedroom. Run my car into a wall (hey, it wouldn't be the first time...). Go drown myself in the Pacific Ocean, like Edna from The Awakening. Overdose on Tylenol and Pampirin. Drink lye (ooh, fun!). Play surgeon with my own abdomen. See if my head could break the television screen. Sell my soul to the devil. You get the pooint.

I sometime mistake myself for wonderwoman, or at least supergal, and try to do much more than it is possible. Sometimes in trying to expand my reaches and grab hold control of my life, I over-exert, but that's been a positive experience for the most part. But now... right now... I'm losing hair. A clearly abnormal amount of hair. I'm afraid to brush it. Every shower loosens a fistfull of hair. I'm not very fond of my hair as it is, but dude. I'd still like to keep most of it, split ends or not. I don't think I'd make a good lookin' bald woman... and why try to out-do Sinead O'Connor?

My uncle means well. And I know these cultural differences, which may make him seem insensitive. I've long gotten used to that sort of thing, but my tolerance is available only when I have enough room in my life to tolerate it. Right now, there's no vacancy! And it's worse now, because he just took up two hours of precious home work time, on a precious Sunday night, the only day-off that I have. A lot of papers due this week... I really could have used the time.

Forgive me, I am mad. Mad in the sense that I am angry, and mad in the sense that I am crazy. I probably won't drink a bucket-o-lye, just cuz it probably wouldn't taste too great, and won't jump off my second story window because I'm severely acrophobic. But tomorrow morning, I will guarantee you, I will lose another fistfull of hair... if not in the shower, because I will have pulled it out myself in agony.