Have you been unhappy?

Sad, yes. Mad, angry, yes, yes. Unhappy is different from being mad or sad or whatevers. It simply means not happy. You can be in a happy state when you're mad or sad. Those are both healthy emotions.

Right now I am unhappy. Like discontent. Like... the word "blah." I did some yoga, and now my unhappiness is centered completely. Which, by the way, isn't a good thing! I wouldn't consider myself a depressed person. I am cynical at times and judge the world without batting an eyelash. I like to do what I want when I want and how I want, and I do. I really do. I'll buy something I'll never use, because I want it. If you ask me if you're fat, and you are, then I won't hesitate to tell you so. If you're fat, I'm sure you know it. It would be crazy of you to think that I won't know that you're fat. So now we're good -- you know, and I know, and you know that I know. And being so brutally honest in my way of life is part of my contentment. But right now, I feel like I'm in a loose straight-jacket. Not a tight one that obviously restricts my freedom, but a loose one. I feel fine now, but when I try to move, then I start to notice that I can't.

Have you asked yourself whether you are happy or not? Not just having a good day because you got some compliments from co-workers, had a tasty yet non-fattening lunch, had plenty of time to take a brisk walk, got commended for doing a good job in whatever it is that you do, or you had a good hair day. Being happy is not about whether or not you find satisfaction in the factors in your life. It's a state of mind, I guess, and although it can be influenced by such factors, it's mostly a higher than average secretion of serotonin and like neurotransmitters. So are you happy today?

A few of the few readers I have, have asked me about the recent "Free Tibet" adornment on my blog. To explain, I was just immensely touched -- a certain compassion struck up within myself at the atrocities taken against human rights.

Yes, it is already something everyone knows about, thanks to the Dalai Lama. Peaceful monks living under Chinese oppression. Dalai Lama is the new Ghandi. So many other tales of oppression and violence against basic human rights exist throughout history, that it is a cliche to have been oppressed, or have ancestors who were oppressed, or know of someone who was oppressed. The Jews, the Armenians, the Cambodians, the Indians, the Native American Indians, the Koreans, the Japanese settlers in the U.S., African Americans... the list of those who had been oppressed some time, goes on and on.

But, this is 2003. I was appalled, because I thought the world was beyond creating embarrassing blemishes in human-kind history. Even with the war in Iraq -- after all, at least the intentions were to uphold democracy in the middle East and free the oppressed people living under the dictatorship.

I have always felt that I am living an oppressed life in the U.S. I know I haven't been rounded up in a ghetto, or forced into labor camps and such, but I know my rights aren't 100% free as they should be. The civil rights amendments exist for the citizens, born or naturalized. "Aliens" need not apply. My 13 years in the U.S. has been influenced by various laws set forth by this government. I had to miss 4 months of the 5th grade because of some laws that hindered me from attending school. Yet, young children aren't allowed to roam the city during the early hours of the day, because they should be at school. So I spent the four months in hiding, reading The Diary of Anne Frank and trying to understand that her life was worse off than mine.

In writing, we have so much freedom and protection of our rights. Our votes are supposed to be carefully counted, so that each vote is heard. Well, what about the presidential elections of 2000? Here we are, supposed to select who would possibly be the most powerful man on earth, and there's some nonsense about pregnant chads.

Even the pursuit of happiness is reserved for the citizens. Not to be confused with denizens. The citizens only! There's a good chance that I may no longer be permitted to possess a driver's license. In the land of opportunity, fresh immigrants, no matter how brilliant their minds and warm their compassion, cannot lead this country. The presidency is limited to a citizen. Presumably an ivy-league trained citizen who has studied law. The men, trained to be LAWYERS that the Americans frequently dub as liars, cheaters, and thieves.

I may complain about the limited ability to exercise the supposedly "inalienable" rights that I have(or should have). But I will tell you that it is the lesser of evils out there, and I am more than content to live here. But once something like Tibet is ignored... It is like when you spill spaghetti sauce on your mother's favorite rug, and you cover the stain with a cushion. If people in Tibet go down, it might be me next. Or you next. It might be the undocumented Mexicans who crossed the border. It might be the Iraqis. It might be the Serbs.

So many people live oppressed, at least to some extent. Tibetans have been living under oppression for decades now. Obviously, their experiences are one of the most televised and well-known violation of human rights currently. But the thing is, it doesn't start and end with Tibet. Once you give the "OK" sign that bullies are free to stomp on one little kid, the whole playground will be affected.

Perhaps you are stuck at a job where you are sexually harrassed, that you can't leave because it puts food on the table. Perhaps you are disabled and are afraid of becoming an invalid member of society. Perhaps you are the kin of the black man in Cincinnatti who was beaten to death by white cops. "Hey." You say. "Better them than me." Guess again, because when one goes down, it starts a domino effect, and sooner or later, it will be you. Maybe them first then you, or you first then everyone else. But if I were you, I wouldn't sit around to find out.

I have replaced the vain photograph of myself with the "empty frame." I had the enlightening and yet painful awareness of my ignorance today. I would appreciate it if the few readers that I have click on the link to find out more for themselves. I have only begun to understand the matters on the other side of the globe -- I have been a frog living inside a well. Knowing nothing beyond the boundaries that I have been living within... I am ashamed of myself today, and at the same time, glad that I had the opportunity to know better now.

Yes, sadly, I have resorted to advertising in my blog.

I am selling the following items on eBay:
LG VX 4400
Nokia 8290
Audiovox Walkie-Talkie

They are all in auction, but you can purchase them instantly with "buy-it-now." I need to start collecting funds to start on the Christmas presents... I'm trying to get an iPod for my brother's gift, and purchase a larger capacity Compact Flash card for my digital camera. I kind of gave my mom an early gift (wireless keyboard and wireless optical mouse) but I'm going to try to install a CD player in her car... also, there's my boss, Shane, Crystal, and my cat.

If interested, please bid -- consider it a holiday donations to a starving student whose trying to survive the holidays.

Damn you people! You had your number for years, yes, I know. But you've been waiting patiently all this time to switch carriers. Why explode all at once to change service? Could you not wait just a week or two to do this?

The process has taken anywhere from 3- 9 days to complete. I have a customer who "ported" on Monday and he is still waiting! I doubt any progress would be made on his phone line until Wed or Thurs. So people! DON'T Have a COW! Wait it out, have patience! You waited all this time -- just hold on a few moments longer!

This message was brought to you by the plea for my sanity.

Since I had decided that I would most definitely go to grad school and med school, I started to think of myself as a potential applicant. Basically, what I can do to beef up my application. The grades and exam scores are something that I would be constantly working on to improve and perfect, but what would make me stand out from all the other bio majors in the U.S.? I realized that the pendulum has shifted and now med schools are highly interested in students who are well-rounded, rather than bio majors who already possess a sufficient amount of life science. To be a well-rounded individual, or at least look like one on paper, I need to do other things. Like play music for an orchestra. Write for the school paper. I am going to try to do both those things. I'm trying to sign up for a chamber music class next semester (I will need to brush up on my fiddling skills during winter). I am going to try to transfer to a Cal State, since CC nursing isn't accepting me. When I get there, I am going to attempt to get on the school paper and hopefully become a permanent member of the staff. Hopefully the English courses I will be taking next semester will come in handy.

I'm having a less-than mediocre day. My nose is stuffed, causing intense sinus pressure. I've been sick very often this year! I never was one to be sick! I had perfect attendance almost every year in school (6-12). No flu or virus was strong enough to tame me, but it has subdued me onto my knees frequently. Aaarch!

This frustrates me quite a bit, because since I turned of legal age, I have realized that I despise being in positions when I can possibly lose control over a situation. For example, going drinking with friends and not driving myself. I always always always (can't emphasize enough) drive myself no matter what. I just hate the fact that although the chances are slim, that I may not have a ride home, or worse, have a drunk driver take me home. I'd very much rather take my life into my own hands, thank you very much.

Although I drink often heavily(Koreans are an alcoholic breed), I always stop myself at a certain limit, because having to puke at 3 AM is not something I can control. There's always work or school early in the morning, I have to sleep (sleep deprivation causes nastiness in me), but I have to puke. I get dehydrated and I have to drink water, but drinking more water makes me vomit even further, causing further dehydration. All of this is something I can't control -- bodily functions, situations where I have no power, or abdicate power voluntarily -- all so dangerous!

My best friend can't believe that I'd drive all over the place when there's other people who are willing to do it and leave her and me to be relaxed. Going on a road trip when I'm not the one driving, will drive me insane. What if I want to go home immediately? What if I need to stop? I guess I'm just slightly psychotic that way, but ultimately, I need to have control.

Getting back to a sane-r mentality. There was a used book sale at school, and after browsing for a little while, I found two great bargains. One was Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser. I have never read anything by said Mr. Dreiser, but his work has been acclaimed as "A landmark in American literature," "mark[ing] the beginning of the naturalist movement in America." It should be a good read, right? It was only $3 -- a fourth of its original price! Great deals make me feel warm and toasty! Also, I purchased The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It is another version of King Arthur's legend. I studied the Knights of the Round Table phenomenon closely in the 9th grade -- I have already read this book, as well as Le Morte d'Arthur and The Once and Future King. I read parts of a few others, but can't remember much... my memory only goes back so far. The Mists of Avalon was a book that I always wanted to get a copy of, but was too expensive. Last week, I got it for $4 which is a bargain indeed! I have already started reading it -- the dark fogs of Tintagel has already rushed into reviving my memory.

If I can possibly recommend a book, it would be Youth in Revolt: The Journals of Nick Twisp. Now, I have raved about this book multiple times in the past, but it is simply such a fantastic read! It is a wonderful book, filled with clever humor and drama. I was recommended this book by an editor at the school paper I worked at a while back -- and needless to say, I devoured the book whole. I passed on the recommendation to my brother and bought him a copy. He doesn't enjoy reading much but he read the whole thing in a matter of days. That phenomenon for me would not be repeated until the Harry Potter series. As much as I love the Potter books, C.D. Payne's Youth in Revolt has given a far greater joy to me personally. Just great! Please go out there and get your copy today! It is $12.57 well spent, I tell you.