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Day One

If you watch TV at all, you might have seen the television commercial, announcing the official merging of AT&T Wireless and Cingular Wireless. A couple of days ago, I received training/info material regarding the merge and how to deal. Much like the WLNP (Wireless and Landline Number Portability) situation from last November, this is also likely to cause havoc.

The material I received is titled, "Merger Fundamentals: Game Plan and Playbook for Distribution Partners: Agents." It is in the Cingular color of neon orange. Each section contains three parts: Closing Day to Day One; Day One; and Day One and Beyond, each of these three sections apply to things like upgrade processing and new activations and number ports.

Of course, they neglected to state when exactly Day One would be. I mean, shouldn't it be written in a large bold font somewhere, like on the COVER? I wasn't too thrilled about the content either -- non of it was very eye catching. This is how I read it: "blah blah blah blah blah..." Dull.

I am in a very ill mood. Can you tell? It is that time of the month again -- the end of the month where I have to do all my paper-filing for submissions. It is the time for papercuts. I'd rather stare at paint cracking off the wall than do actual work. Although I'm not as despondent as I expected (after the falling through the CSULA situation), I am not fully recovered/immune from/to the emotional turmoil. I've been late to work everyday this week! Usually a couple of minutes is forgiven, but this week, I've been late more than 10 minutes a day, and on the day it rained, I was half an hour late. And I've been screwing up at work too. I was asked to go to the USPS and ship a package priority with delivery confirmation -- guess what I did? I shipped it priority alright, but forgot the delivery confirmation. Then I had to go back to the post office to get it straightened out and get a delivery confirmation number. Of course before I got out of the car, I left the keys inside and left the engine ON! Thankfully some guy inquired if I was really going to leave my car running like that and walk off.

Maybe I need to go to the hair salon and get a nice hair cut like Tinka to get not only mood elevated, but to get myself sane again. Restore myself to full working order. I'm supposed to be attacking massive piles of paperwork right about now, and I'm just not wanting to tackle them at all.

I've also got dinner with the extended family -- uncle(mother's older brother), grandmother, aunt, cousin, and mom. Also, sometime this month, my uncle(father's younger brother) wants to come to California to talk to us (me and my bro). Usually that's bad news. He seems to think that he is doing his duty as an uncle to offer me advice and consolation and encouragement that I obviously lack because my father's not around, and thinks that he is actually doing something for moi. Well, from my perspective, it seems as though he is doing the "talk" for his own desire to feel like a good uncle -- "I did something wonderful for my niece and nephew." Well, it does crap to me. And he's always talking to me about returning to Korea to live with my father -- "all children should follow their parent." He doesn't understand that it is my father's actions that has caused me to make SoCal my home. I never asked to move across the Pacific! But I am here now and I have been here and I don't know anywhere else. I don't know any other home. And now he wants me to go to Korea? I've told him time after time that I won't go, and that my life will be meaningless (can you say "high unemployment?"). I'm not about to go to Korea to add more misery to my already horrific life. Well, that's enough griping about the extended members of my family. I just hate some of them is all. When I can be fully independent, perhaps I'll never have to speak to them again as long as I live! Hmph!

Every Vote Counts

But, But...

Click Here for full article.

WASHINGTON - Labor Department (news - web sites) staff, analyzing statistics from private economists, report in an internal memo that President Bush (news - web sites) is likely to do "much better" in Tuesday's election than the polls are predicting.

Titled "In Focus: Predicting the Election Outcome," the memo says, "Nearly every single model has him winning."

"Some show the margin of victory being smaller than the models' inherent margin of error, while others report the lead as substantial. And this is without the consideration of a third-party candidate."

Bush's win of the popular vote could be 57.5 percent, 55.7 percent or 51.2 percent, said the paper, dated Oct. 22 and prepared by the department's Employment and Training Administration staff for the assistant labor secretary.

But... on Nickelodeon, kids voted to have Kerry as president, and they've been correct in all the previous elections! I don't care what you say. The kids have spoken.

Super Dog to Rescue

Click Here for full article.

RICHLAND, Wash. - Faith the service dog phoned 911 when her owner fell out of her wheelchair and barked urgently into the receiver until a dispatcher sent help. Then the 4-year-old Rottweiler unlocked the front door so the responding police officer could come in.

[...]

The dog, whose sensitive nose can detect changes in Beasley's body chemistry, is trained to alert her owner to impending seizures before they happen.

So this dog, not only can dial 911 and unlock the door for the police officer, but she can also detect if her owner is about to break into a seizure! She's better than I am! If I were in that situation, I can tell you, I'd be utterly useless. (I'd be the one on the ground, in fetal position, telling myself that this isn't happening.) What a dog. Makes me wonder if my cat would even care if I collapsed on my kitchen floor. I can hear her mewing now: "Aaaaah. Stupid human."

670th Post

This is my 670th Post. Just thought I should mention that...

I am always surprised at how I kept at it with blogging. I have a high attrition rate -- I like to pick things up and put them down. Cross-stitching, violin, piano, clarinet, aromatherapy candles, learning French (I've been doing that too sporadically to hold onto any French phrases I learn), pilates, and other things. I honestly thought that I'd blog for a while, about two months or so, until I found something else that interested me and I should wane from my blog. But now I'm fairly certain that I will most likely never abandon my blog!

But if I go back and read some of my first posts -- they aren't very reflective of who I am. I didn't write about things that mattered. I originally tried to make this a diary, which to some extent, it still is, but more like a daily log to jot down what I did and what's going on in my life. Well, as it turns out, my life consists of long stretches of mundane-ness, which is only broken into sections by bouts of extreme misfortunes. So writing about my life on a daily basis wouldn't have done much good for my self-esteem and outlook on life.

My brother finally, finally, finally took a good look at my computer. It was filled with dust, but besides that, the fan was not working at all, and my brother said that that heats up the CPU and possibly the CPU can melt! At the current rate, I don't think I'll be doing that NaNo WriMo event. Typing on this so-called "natural" keyboard is just so un-natural. After typing about 200 words, my hands tire out, and it's painful to type. It is not comfortable at all -- I don't see how these people could get away with labeling this keyboard as being ergonomic! I've also had much more typos to deal with. There is no way I'd be typing over a thousand words on this machine. Perhaps I'll take up the challenge in a later month -- perhaps during the long month of January when I won't be in school and will be stuck at work, doing the incredibly boring job I've been doing for the past three years.

But any rate, my computer is being looked at, and I am hoping to have it up and running by mid-November at the very latest, and I'll also have my new laser printer then too. I've decided on the pink iPod Mini -- it is just a matter of building up the enough nerve to place that order. I mean, it's free -- I've earned it through gift cards from work -- but regardless, I am always extremely hesitant to place an order for something so expensive. I just have to calm my nerves long enough to log onto Amazon.com.

I've been mildly depressed this week. It is understandable. But I'm not really one to sulk for too long -- I get tired of that rather quickly as well, just like how I got tired of cross-stitching and blowing on the clarinet. To pick up my mood, I cleaned my room. I cleaned my bathroom as well, and now the bathroom floor is hairless! I am about halfway through cleaning my desk, which is always the most difficult and time-consuming. But it feels good to finally be able to see what color my carpet is.

Last night, I finished "The Other Boleyn Girl." I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone, but Anne Boleyn DIES. She is beheaded. I hope I didn't discourage anyone from reading it (I am joking, of course). Just started on "Fast Food Nation" which I will read along with "The Moor's Last Sigh" (it is my ultimate goal to finish this in 2004). And of course I have to read textbooks for classes, and Henry V by Shakespeare. I've been doing a lot of additional reading about the English monarchy. It's not as long as one would think. The power struggle between the different houses of royalty is actually quite interesting to read about!

I am also close to finishing The Da Vinci Code which I absolutely love, and I am going to buy a copy in Korean for my mother to read. It's so fascinating, and I'm not even a mystery fan! And it involves a lot of art and religion, both which are excellent fields to know more about. After The Da Vinci Code I may have to read Holy Blood, Holy Grail which is supposed to have been a best seller quite a few years ago. Also, Dan Brown's other best seller, Angels & Demons should be interesting to read.

I also attended an information session at the nursing department at my current school this morning. It wasn't too informative -- after all, I am a candidate applying for her fourth time! Not much of the information is new to me. I am still holding out on the verdict of the application situations -- there are two applications yet to be due, and Glendale Community College acceptance/rejection letters will be sent out next Friday. I can still hope, although now, I am ready to receive a crucial blow and still remain sane.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Now who remembers that song? I tried to check out the Lunar Eclipse which is supposed to be going on now, but I can't see it. It was hailing a bit earlier today and now it is quite cloudy -- I don't know if the current pitch darkness is caused by the eclipse, or because it is cloudy.

I need to do something about my computer. I think it's been more than two weeks now that it's been dead. I can turn it on, but if I leave it on for too long (i.e. 10 minutes) then it does weird things. I am also in need of a printer. For some reason, my family likes to plow through one printer every two years or so. We've thrown away quite a few already in my lifetime. I want to get one that is durable and economically efficient. Nothing fancy schmancy. I don't need a photoprinter either. Not even a color one. I am thinking of this one: Samsung ML1710. It's only 89 bucks! For a laser printer too.

*Update: I just bought the printer. I got an additional $30 off for using my new Amazon.com visa card! Woohoo! I just bought a color, laser printer for $59 people. (Free shipping courtesy of Amazon!) Nothing gives euphoria better than a bargain. Now I hope this purchase was a good choice...

Now, I've got some homework to do.

When I Grow Up

Click Here to refresh your memory.

Since my life never turns out the say I planned, I have come up with a plan B of what I'd like to be when I grow up.

I want to be like that lady in the Swiffer Duster commercial. You know, that wacko lady who dusts her house like she's doing aerobics, in tune with the Swiffer song? Yeah. I mean, I think she's on drugs, but at least she's got a clean home, which is more than I can say.

Strange Things

I got an e-mail today from a former instructor. I had asked her if she'd be willing to write me a letter of recommendation for schools to which I am applying. She wrote me an e-mail saying that the letter is ready.

From: Jane Doe
To: Haemi Lee
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 08:06:24 -0700
Subject: Re: Former Humanities student

Now, you may not think there's anything wrong with this, but there is. You see, today, as far as I'm concerned, and hopefully, as far as the world is concerned, is Wednesday, October 27, 2004. I know because today is Wednesday because I went to work and had no classes. The calendar says that it is the 27th indeed! Also, Usually on gmail, it tells me how long ago the e-mail was sent -- i.e. 5 minutes ago, 4 hours ago, 3 days ago. But it didn't say anything. It just said that this e-mail was sent to me, TOMORROW. Yes. Perhaps I have been in a mental and emotional shock and I haven't recovered from the blow that shall forever be known as CSULA, but did I just received an e-mail from TOMORROW?

I know what you're thinking. I'm NOT THAT DUMB. Please, give me some credit here. Of course I went to Google and checked the settings on the account (which should have been the same since I hadn't changed it and I just used gmail at work without problems!). Then I went and checked the date/time on this computer (mom's comp). Everything is normal. I am in the PST timezone. IT IS STILL WEDNESDAY! IT IS STILL OCTOBER 27TH. Why am I getting e-mails from tomorrow?

MoBlog Thing Configured

After seeing it on a couple of blogs, I decided to get my own MoBlog feature. You can see a random selection of the photos that I would take and upload to Flickr.com, my chosen provider for this Moblog thing. Of course, knowing me, I'd had to shop around for the Moblog that would be best for me (it's kinda weird using the term "shop" when all these services are free!). Then it took a few days to figure out how to place it on my blog -- a random image on my blog, anyways.

For some odd reason, Flickr.com calls the generation of the little images (see left for image) a "badge." When they said "create a badge," I didn't know what it was, but assumed that it would be like a bumpersticker for a webpage, i.e., advertisement/banner advertising their service. But it's actually just your own photos. Hmm. Well, it's done. I will try to get more image on -- right now it's mostly some random images I had on ripway.com and images from my Washington DC trip.

Gilmore Girls

I'm not ashamed to say it. Gilmore Girls is one of my favorite TV shows. It's a very unrealistic show, but I love it.

First of all, people don't talk that fast. And if they do talk fast, they can never be so witty and talk so fast. It's just not humanly possible! I find myself needing just about an extra second or two after each dialogue to register what the characters said. But when I do get it, it's just so funny.

Secondly, there is no way in hell that a 16-year old can give birth and raise her child by herself, and still look remarkably polished and speak so articulately. It is also impossible that this said woman can establish herself and make enough money to buy a two story house in a picturesque neighborhood. And what are the odds that her child is not only perfectly behaved, but also Valedictorian of her prestigious college prep high school and accepted to Yale?

But those are the things that makes the show attractive. It's kind of like fantasy world.

I am in a surprisingly good mood, considering. Perhaps it is enhanced by the lovely bouts of rain, as well as the night class being cancelled. I had some time to do some shopping. Shopping is sooooooooooo therapeutic. I bought a lip liner and lip stick, so that I can look even more fabulous after I look great after my diet (be gone, corpulent tummy!). Also, I bought some fragrant, aromatherapy oils to use in my room so that I can mentally stay sane through this ordeal. Kiwi-melon, exotic, and papaya. Shopping makes me happy.

Now I am going to watch another movie -- Rosemary's Baby. And my evening will be complete. Melodic rain drops outside, shopping, TV, and horror movie. Rosemary's Baby is actually first DVD in my line-up of horror movies, in time for Halloween. Satanic baby, here I come.

When I Grow Up

I found out what I wanted to be when I grow up.

I decided that I want to be like the women on tampon commercials. Tampon commercials on TV always feature women who are having the time of their lives -- working hard and getting recognition in their field, swimming and looking fab in a bikini (as though a tampon can cause PMS to vanish without a trace), doing ballet, playing tag football with hot-looking men and adorable dogs, and always looking so happy. So that's what I want to be when I grow up.

Supah Dupah Size Me

I saw Supersize Me. UGH! I am never ever ever ever going to Mickey D's again! And I am going on a diet. Now, don't y'all get your panties in a bunch. I am still going to be a nurse someday, and I am never going to allow myself to knowingly cause harm to my own body. When I say that I am going to diet, I mean that I will try to eat good food -- not so processed, whole grains and veggies, plenty of water. Cut down on sugar and fat -- this shouldn't be too hard, since I am taking a course in nutrition. Also exercise more than once every three months. And try my best to keep myself away from the vile filth known as fast food restaurants. UGH. I'll just say one comment about the film -- I saw vomited up quarter pounder with cheese, and it was not pretty.

Simmering

In the words of Sheri Oteri, I have "Simmer Down Now." I don't know how I could have survived last night without the quart of chocolate ice cream in my freezer. Thank goodness for chocolate ice cream!

I am getting really tired of one of my instructors. I honestly think that he likes to hear himself talk and it makes him feel important. If students are just listening to him, he says, "I honestly don't know how you guys are going to take the final. You should be taking notes." He expects his students to dote on each and every word, recording them down in notes in detail. He also goes out of his way to prove that the media is not liberally biased, and that Ann Coulter is wrong. Hmm. I am not quite sure that everything we are learning in class is sticking to the class descriptions as stated in the college catalogue. He also lost my exam (thus delaying my score) and he said that it was probably in another pile of exams. It turned out to be true, and he did find the exam later, but he failed to apologize for the error. It didn't turn out to be a grave mistake, but if he hadn't found it, it would have caused some serious problems. Well, that's that. And I'm not in a good mood, although not quite as ranting and raving like last night, so I'm not going to be kind in my criticisms of anything.

I am rather late to be searching for additional schools to apply to -- especially for the winter/spring semesters. Perhaps for next fall, which means I will be delaying my education for yet another semester. I have vowed to myself to remain a cynic until proven (PROVEN, not persuaded) otherwise. I am reminded of Murphy's Law. That is the only law that runs my life -- anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Yep. What can I do about it? Nothing. I'll just have to live with it. (Sigh) Anyone wanna trade lives?

Momentary Bliss

The euphoria, resulting from my acceptance to Cal State LA has dissolved. Fizzled. Collapsed. What can I say? The cynical side of my brain is telling me: "I told you so." I was wrong to give into what the optimistic side of my heart would have me believe. I had been living in dream land -- lala land, and now I'm back to reality.

The nursing department at CSULA operates much like the one at my current school. They don't do a lottery, but they only select 50 students each fall. Only the ones with the best applications will be received -- high GPA in prereq's, high overall GPA, most quality volunteer experiences/high number of hours spent volunteering/health occupational experience, and so on and so forth. My overall GPA is adequate, but my GPA in the prereq's are not too great (I completed my prerequisites when I wasn't a fully committed student), and because I've been working more than full-time while carrying a full-time class load, I haven't had a chance to volunteer at all.

Even if I were to have hopes (which would be ridiculously naive of me to do so), but nursing program begins in the fall, and you are expected to graduate in three years. Not three years or less, but three years. I am assuming it is because of Calif's financial situation (cutting down of classes, cutting instructors, etc.) -- there just won't be room for everyone to take all the classes they should each semester. Since I have been accepted for the Winter semester, that means even if I am to get into the nursing program on my first attempt, it would be three and half years minimum before I graduate. Prospects are grim. I can't be going to a 4 year university full time for three and half years without working (nursing program is still rigorous and students are not expected to work).

Doesn't life just SUCK? I am recalling a line from the British sitcom, "Couplings": "I am Sally Harper, and there is nothing in my life too good that I can't screw it up." well, I'm feeling a bit like Sally Harper right now. Except that episode ended on a happy note. Mine's ending in a rather sad note. A dumpy note. I feel dumped. I feel duped. Life's double-crossed me. It's played a dirty trick on my situation.

I have no urgent need to contemplate about graduate school, as I won't be going in the near future. I am back to where I was before, utterly lost without hope. All I can say is, I should have seen it coming. I was too happy. The emotion "happy" doesn't belong in my life. "Content" maybe, but not happy. Not elated. Not joyful. I should have known when I felt so happy that I was walking in uncharted territory -- territory that would never be part of my life. That's just the way it is. I am doomed. My fate is to be the most wretched being on the face of this planet, and that is one goal I've reached over and over. If you ask me, I've outdone myself over and over in being the most wretched soul one can imagine. It wouldn't have been so bad if my life was just this horrible thing; it is much worse when life keeps throwing a false sense of hope in your way. It's like a carrot on a stick -- only every time you reach for the carrot, you are severely beaten with the stick.

No words of pity can console me. Nobody can pat me on the back and say "there, there -- good things will come your way, you'll see." I am Haemi Lee, and nothing good comes my way. Maybe I should get comfy with Harold Kushner -- "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." (The Book of Job, is the book I absolutely despise, actually, but we'll talk religion when I'm feeling not so damned.) If there is god(s), then he is an evil one. I absolutely refuse to accept that my immense grief is part of some marvelous plan.

I should have seen it coming -- but no. I let my guard down and became openly happy, and I let it hit me with my guards down. I wasn't prepared to accept the ill-news. I wasn't ready. Like Pearl Harbor. Like 9-11.

This really gets me to a point where I have to start thinking about what the meaning of my life is. I am living in a country where I'm not accepted and I'm not wanted. I can't work legally. I can't do anything I want because everything and anything I want to do is somehow blocked from my reach. I'm poor. I have so much potential but none of it will ever see the light. I can't even add advertisements by Google to my blog because I am not allowed to earn money, however small. I can't go back to Korea, because that would be like moving to a foreign land. A vast majority of college graduates are unemployed -- what would I be able to do? Work at one of the Wal-Marts?

I hate the fact that I have this life. I hate the fact that I am powerless to change it. I hate the fact that I am so gifted and talented with so much potential, but I have no reason to hope. I hate that I am such an optimistic person and I keep on hoping, as though the act of hoping would bring positive prospects. I hate that my life is full of false sense of possibilities, like mirages. I hate that I can't have a normal life. I hate that I've tasted so much of the fine things in life that I can never ever go back to being insignificant.

But above all this, the absolute worst part of it was that I had to tell my mother. My poor mother. Oh Mother. Why did you give birth to your source of sadness?

Mundane Monday?

Click here for the NY Times Article!

Boy, am I late into reading up on the news! Japan had a rough shake-down by an earthquake, magnitude 6.8, and again this morning (Monday) with an aftershock of 5.8.

This isn't a tale from a faraway land -- it is easily a story that could happen to us, here in California/west coast. Nature is wrathful -- we are at her mercy. Humility comes to mind.

In other news, I am trying to set up some sort of thing called "moblog." Taking photos with mobile phone and getting it uploaded onto my blog. Working on it.

Sorry to be so quick and brief, but I have to get out from work in a minute or two -- gotta go to class!

Some Frightful Words

Here are some frightful words, just in time for Halloween! Interesting phobias you don't normally hear about!

Nyctophobia -- fear of the dark or night.

Coulrophobia -- fear of clowns.

Emetophobia -- fear of vomiting.

Triskaidekaphobia -- fear of the number 13.

Thanatophobia -- fear of death or dying.

Necrophobia -- fear of death or dead things.

Arachibutyrophobia -- fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. (Reminds me of the "Got Milk?" commercial with the dog eating peanut butter!)

Glossophobia -- fear of speaking in public or trying to speak.

Ophidiophobia -- fear of snakes.

Kathisophobia -- fear of sitting down.

And here is an ironic one --

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia -- fear of long words.
So if you have this phobia, you can't even say the name of your own phobia!

And last but not least, let's give credit where it's due:

Samhainophobia -- fear of Halloween!

Go Forth and Multiply!

Is it so weird and strange and out of the ordinary that some women do not desire to rear children? On Friday night, I went out with some friends -- two of whom are married to each other. Despite various hardships, they still remain married and their son is now almost two years of age. My friend -- I only know her husband through her -- is always fawning over the topic of children. It seems as though that because she has had a child, she is now the goddess and an advocate for getting pregnant and having children. Her refusal to change topic once it lands on having children, is repulsive to me. She is a good friend, and her son is the most adorable child, but she can never seem to agree that some human beings prefer to live without children.

What is most repulsive is that the idea is engraved in her mind, set in stone -- it is a must that people have children. It is not an option -- how can it be a choice when rearing children is so splendid and wonderful? While I have no doubt that she loves her son and loves being a mom, I just would like, for once, for her to acknowledge that it is not a universal desire.

It is already well known among my circle of acquaintances -- I do not like children. I do not like babies. Sure, they're adorable, but I wouldn't dream of pushing one out of any orifice on my body, let alone care for it 24-7. To quote a line from Shakespeare, "That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks." (Much Ado About Nothing) However, I just don't like the idea of doing all that. First of all, because of my circumstance, I've gotten a rather late start in settling into the life I want. There's no weasling out of that. It is near impossible to go to med school while being pregnant/raising a child. Or graduate school. Even if it were possible, I would never put myself through such torture.

I call that sacrifice; the gal formerly known as my best friend used to ask me how it can be called sacrifice! It isn't sacrifice if you do it because you want to, out of the goodness of your heart and soul and because you love to. I suppose not. However, since I am most unwilling, it would be the ultimate sacrifice. This is not to discredit all the moms out there. Motherhood is perfectly fine. It is wonderful. It is a brilliant thing. Mothers are hardworking people and their endless, most unconditional love is astounding to say the least. Don't suspect that I wasn't born from a woman -- I have a mother as well, and she is living proof that motherhood is a great thing. But it isn't for me.

So I've made myself clear. Perhaps in my later years I will change my mind. I really do have the desire to perhaps adopt a child or two -- when I am ready. But only upon my own free-will, would I make this choice. So let me make it clear just once more: no offense to moms out there, but I don't think motherhood is something for me in the near future, at least not in the next decade or so.

What's the big deal, you may ask. Well, it's just that, anyone who's heard this claim from me feel as though they have the right to tell me a few things, however presumptuous they are. One, "you'll change your mind once you're married. What would you do... chances are slim that your husband wouldn't want children." Two, "it's always girls like you: they say they don't like children, but once they have their own, they're just the most loving moms ever, and find their kids precious above all else." Three, "oh, but to rear children is just the best joys in life and in a marriage." And the fourth, last but not least, and the absolute worst, "you don't know what you're saying -- you're still single! How would you know? But you'll realize, no matter the success you have career-wise, it can't compensate for not having children; your job doesn't hold you at night and tell you it loves you." Ugh!

There are no shortages in the human race. If some catastrophic event would happen and the population is at risk, I will most dutifully do my part in propegating the species. Until then, let me be in my own choices, no matter how flawed you seemed to think they are!

I better not have any comments convincing me otherwise; I'll be making my own decisions, thank you very much.